ZOMBEAVERS - review

ZOMBEAVERS
Director: Jordan Rubin
Cast: Rachel Melvin, Courtney Palm, Lexi Atkins, Hutch Dano, Jake Weary, Peter Gilroy

Ok Red Haired Amazona, challenge accepted. I will watch and review ZOMBEAVERS. This is not the kind of film that I would normally choose to watch under any circumstances. If I had the choice to jump off a bridge, or watch this kind of film, I would probably rather jump off a bridge.

Here's a brief synopsis: 

ZOMBEAVERS is a horror-comedy movie about a group of college kids staying at a lake side cabin that are attacked by a swarm of zombie beavers (aka zombeavers). 

Tongue is imbedded firmly in cheek throughout this film and it is full of terrible innuendo and rotten beaver themed jokes. It's not quite a spoof, but it is meant to be a horror-comedy, so this film has to be taken with a grain of salt. In my opinion it takes a sharp right to wrong town and just keeps going. 

This film opens up with two chaps driving in a ute full of chemicals, chatting shite, who smash into a deer because dude number two is looking at his phone and not the road (where did they even find a flip phone?!?!) The impact knocks loose a drum of chemicals and it falls off the back and into a river. And yes, just in case you're wondering, that was John Mayer folks.

This review is not going to be a well constructed, well written review (much the same as this film really), but instead a collection of thoughts I had whilst watching the film. I jotted them all down as we went along, and have documented them below as is.

The thoughts are full of spoilers, so if you have any intention of watching ZOMBEAVERS ever then STOP READING NOW!!!


65 thoughts I had while watching ZOMBEAVERS

1) 80's action movie music is really setting the scene for the quality of this film.

2) The strange beaver silhouettes in the foreground of this barrel floating down a river is amazingly terrible. Or maybe it's just terrible. I'm not sure.

3) Now there's a silhouette axe covered in dripping blood with the amazingly terribl 80's action movie music

4) The barrel is still floating down then river - longest opening credits ever. Or maybe they just seem long because I really don't want to be here.

5) There we go, the barrel crashes into a dam with the worst beaver animatronics or puppets or whatever the hell they are, that I have ever seen. When I say crash I mean nudge gently into the dam and somehow it punctures a hole in the barrel and bright green toxic something starts spurting out.

6) Cut to a pretty girl crying her eyes out in a dirty gas station bathroom, texting a boy of course...they're on a girls weekend because pretty girl number one's boyfriend cheated on her of course.

7) There should always been a warning when there's going to be dick pics. ALWAYS.

8) That kid should definitely not jump in the river after his fishing rod. Oh wait, it doesn't matter, something has snuck up behind him and yep, there it is, he's gone.

9) Why is pretty girl number two wearing the hugest pair of platforms at a cabin in the middle of nowhere?!

10) Sorority sisters forever of course!

11) Mrs Gregerson is the funniest person in the film thus far.

12) Someone or something is watching them from the reeds...worst cinematography ever.

13) Pretty girl number three is the biggest bitch ever - and a sooky fucking lah lah...just because there is no phone service and she can't get any more dick picks of course

14) Random hat floating past them - they are oblivious to the horrors that are about the befall them. Poor innocent sorority sisters.

15) Pretty girl number three is topless - she wants a tan without lines - worst excuse for gratuitous boobs ever

16) Toxic waste on the beaver dam...they assume it's piss - because of course beavers piss toxic looking green goop. That seems completely legit.

17) Of course there is a bear that is up on hind legs growling at them...and of course there is a creeper who fires a shot and then is generally just a creepy ass creeper...when the girls say they're looking for beavers he says, "well sure, isn't everyone?" Thank you creepy mc creeperson.

18) Spotlight handy cam running through the bushes and growling - I'm assuming this is of course the beavers running around.

19) Banging on the door - why would you open the door pretty girl number three...what's your problem? I mean seriously?

20) Pretty girl number one, don't just stand in the doorway saying "don't go out there"

21) Random beaver growling from the bushes and the handi cam

22) The girls boyfriends turn up - they're the ones pulling a nast prank and trying to scare the girls. Of course

23) The worst sex scenes I have ever seen or heard. "Oh man, I feel like a power ranger" - I'm sorry, excuse me?

24) Pretty girl number one's cheaty mc cheater boyfriend is also there and she gives him a good couple of slaps (less than he deserves) and a knee in the balls (that's getting there cheaty mc cheater face)

25) pretty girl number one goes to take a shower and banging about in the shower what else would be there except for a rabid zombie beaver of course.

26) pretty girl number one might be actually the worst actor I've ever come across - and a really ugly pretend cryer.

27) They all go back to the bathroom and the zombeaver is gone...except that it's not. Bashing it with a baseball bat? Really? Have you never seen a zombie movie?! The animatronics are the worst.

28) Of course you would suggest a safety orgy...that's the best kind of orgy.

29) Yep, that zombeaver you threw in a plastic garbage bag after you bashed a hole in it's stomach with a baseball bat is still alive...growling and writhing in that plastic trash bag...because it's a zombie. And of course, now it's not in the bag anymore because you've never seen a zombie movie in your life and you're a bunch of idiots.

that right there is a mutilated zombeaver that gets put in the afore mentioned trash bag

30) In the water is way safer than in the cabin...of course...because that logic makes complete sense.

31) Why is this clown (pretty girl number 3's boyfriend) still wearing a beanie? You're swimming in the lake douchecanoe, you don't need a beanie.

32) Of course pretty girl number two was the one that slept with pretty girl number ones boyfriend and turned him into a cheaty mc cheater face.

33) Of course pretty girls number three's boyfriend gets dragged under by a zombie beaver and he pulls out his foot which has been gnawed off by a zombeaver. Then he swims with his foot and it takes them about a thousand years to put a tourniquet on his leg.

oh hi zombeaver chewing up through the wooden pontoon

34) Of course the beavers took out the phone lines. How clever of them to have only gone for the phone and nothing else. Sorry pretty girl number one, you're at home on your own with a beaver headed straight for your beaver (how's that for terribly punny cinematography). And you've been scratched...you're totes going to turn into a zombeaver human. I wonder how long it will take?

35) The beavers chase them and surround the house of course.

36) How is the footless guy still even alive?

37) Why are they everywhere? Why do their eyes glow? Why are the silly humans going outside?

38) Why are they only just deciding now that footless, beanie guy guy needs to go to the hospital?

39) Why did they all just not get in the car and drive away?

40) How did the neighbours dog just become a beaver? Those zombeavers are tricksy little bastards aren't they!

41) Clever beavers built a dam and blocked the road.

42) Clever beavers also chewed down a tree and squashed pretty girl number twos boyfriend and then laughed a creepy little zombeaver laugh because they're so clever.

43) Of course, Creepy McCreeperson the hunter comes to save the day, sort of...fucking beavers he says. Fucking beavers indeed.

44) How is footless, beanie dude even still alive? How has he not turned into a zombie yet? How is he still lucid?

45) Creepy McCreeperson the hunter is a good fucking shot. Too bad that doesn't kill the zombeavers.

46) That's a very dead neighbour

47) Pretty girl number one's ex cheaty asshole boyfriend needs another knee in the dick

48) CMcC hunter is eating the chicken from the dead neighbours fridge...he's got the right idea...food always helps

49) Of course there is a lesbian love scene...between pretty girl number one and pretty girl number two and of course pretty girl number one starts turning into a zombeaver human hybrid just as she's climbing on top of pretty girl number two

pretty girl number one has some nasty zombeaver teeth - ew

50) Then of course stupid beanie guy turns into a beaver and eats the hunters face off.

51) Now pretty girl number one has grown a beaver tail...wow...just wow.

52) Throwing yourself out a window seems like an excellent life choice right now pretty girl number three. Well done. I don't even think you got scratched, by the zombeaver neighbour, but you might be dead now you've jumped from an upstairs window.

53) making the dude you cheated on your boyfriend with get naked so you can check him for zombeaver bites and scratches seems like a pretty good life choice for you pretty girl number two.

54) they're playing whack-a-mole with beavers - credit where credit is due - that is brilliant.

55) Now there's a zombeaver on fire and the whole house is on fire. Of course.

56) pretty girl number one jumps through the floor and bites Cheaty Mc Cheater Face's dick off - I had just been saying he needed another knee in the dick. That'll work.

59) Somehow pretty girl number three is not dead after jumping out that window and she has not yet been attacked by zombeavers. So, of course, she bursts through the wall of the burning house in the truck and rescues pretty girl number two

60) Of course the bear is also a zombeaver or a zombeaver bear...because of course it is.

61) Well that was unexpected...I thought for sure pretty girl number two was going to shoot pretty girl number three - who as it turns out has not yet been bitten, but no, pretty girl number two turns into a zombeaver human...right before she can fire a shot into pretty girl number three...who then proceeds to chop her head off with an axe. Good choice pretty girl number three. Good choice

62) Of course those two dude are back with their ute - hi again John Mayer..." hey you see that girl" says dude number one, "yeah I see her" says guy number two as he's texting (again with the flip phone) and clearly doesn't see her. BAM! Sorry pretty girl number three, you survived all of that only to go the same way as the deer from the opening scene. Such a shame. That's what we call a cruel irony pretty girl number three.

63) The best part of this whole film is the blooper reel.

64) Of course the roll credit song is a swing style theme song about zombeavers. Also, I take it back, this is the best part of the whole film

65) Of course there's a bit after the credits, and of course it's a bee biting an infected zombeaver and taking the disease back to it's hive because who doesn't love a sequel. Zombeaver Bees. I can see it now.

Well, a little piece of me has died inside. To think money gets poured into projects like this while quality indie scripts are left to rot under someone's cup of coffee. Oh the injustice of it all. 

Challenge complete thanks Red Haired Amazona, I have watched and reviewed ZOMBEAVERS, now if you'll excuse me I'm just going to try and erase that 90 something minutes from my brain.

minus 5 out of 5 stars for this film. Do not, I repeat DO NOT waste 90 something minutes of your life on this film. Unless of course you truly thought SHARKNADO was a piece of classic cinema and then I guess this is right up your alley.

xoxo
The Blonde Bombshell