A ROYAL NIGHT OUT - review

A ROYAL NIGHT OUT

Director: Julian Jarrold

Cast: Sarah Gadon, Bel Powley, Rupert Everett, Emily Watson, Jack Raynor

A ROYAL NIGHT OUT comedy laden with mishap and adventure for the Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret as they enjoy a night out on the town (ingognito of course) to celebrate VE Day with the rest of the country.

After some convincing the King (Rupert Everett) allows the girls to go out in London, much to the dismay of the Queen (Emily Watson) who promptly organises charperones and a ballroom full of dull old people for them to celebrate with. Young, up-for-anything Margaret (Bel Powley) sneaks out, closely followed by her sister Elizabeth (Sarah Gadon) and then all kinds of sheanigans happen, including splashing in the fountain, hanging out in a 'knocking shop' and Elizabeth meeting a young, very handsome AWOL air force pilot.

The King grants the girls a night on the town

This film (like many other royal based films) shows a very fantasized version of the royal life and posits these girls in a ivory tower with a deep desire to know what it's like out there in the world. Rebellious and fun loving Margaret, and Elizabeth caught between a desire for a normal life and the duty she knows she must fulfil at a time in their lives when they should be having fun and learning what life is all about. Things that us commoners might take for granted like knowing how to catch a bus and push our way through a rowdy crowd.

The film is quite amusing at times, but has plenty of eye rolling moments like when Elizabeth declares that her family isn't in the habit of carrying money. The true star of this film in my opinion is Bel Powley who technically has a supporting role, but steals just about every scene with comedic prowess. She knows she's to play second fiddle to her older sister and she makes light of it, declaring herself as 'P2' (princess 2) and using wonderfully old fashioned terms like "I'm so cheesed" and "wizard!" She's enough to make even the die hard republican feel a little something something towards the royals!

Princess Margaret having a splash

The predicatable nature of the script - I mean as if the girls are going to be back before their 1 am curfew - didn't dampen my enjoyment of this lighthearted comedy and you must always remember to take films like this with a grain of salt (preferably served in a margharita). There are probably a few strings of truth in the script, it does claim to be inspired by true events, but remember it is a work of fiction and the screen writers have done a pretty decent job.

The banter between Elizabeth and Jack, the young AWOL soldier she gathers up as her makeswhift body guard-come- tour guide does get a little tiresome, particularly because it takes precious screen time away from Margaret who they are chasing down through the streets of London and her highjinks are much more entertaining! I mean the poor dear ends up in a seedy brothel and seeks help from the owner to get back to the Chelsea Barracks - comedy gold right there people! Don't get me wrong though, I did cop it in the feels a little bit knowing that the blossoming feelings between Jack and Elizabeth would never amount to anything, because Elizabeth knows her place in the world and so does young Jack, but for a brief moment there is a little glimmer of hope and what if. Could you imagine?! What a different world it would have been had Elizabeth run off into the night with a young AWOL soldier?! Good Lord the scandal!

The film wraps up in a very predictable, inoffensive way and everyone goes off to live their lives as if nothing ever happened. I wonder how the real Queen Elizabeth feels about this portrayal of her night out on the town with her sister? I mean they did go out that night, although my understanding is that they never made it past the Ritz and they had over a dozen chaperones, not just two bumbling soldiers. I like the liberties the script writes have taken, particularly with young Margaret (I may have mentioned that I thought she was the start of the show).

The bumbling chaperones that manage to lose and find the Princesses

If you're looking for something lighthearted and fun then give A ROYAL NIGHT OUT a go, but maybe use some movie money or cinema vouchers. I don't necessarily think it's worth the twenty-something dollars.

2.8 out of 5

xoxo
The Blonde Bombshell

THE AGE OF ADALINE - review

THE AGE OF ADALINE
Director: Lee Toland Krieger
Cast: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Ellen Burstyn, Harrison Ford

I had one day off this week and yesterday was it. Against all my better judgement, I forsook my sleep in, got up early and hopped on over to the local to catch the first session of the day - THE AGE OF ADALINE. I did have my concerns that I would be disappointed. Purely based on my judgement of the trailer and some pretty scathing reviews of said trailer when it first came out 5 or so months ago. Let me tell you why I wasn't. Because it didn't actually suck as a film, that's why. In fact I quite enjoyed it.

So, here's the deal,  Adaline Bowman (Blake Lively) was born in 1908, and is rendered ageless after a freak accident in 1935. Her looks do not change at all throught the 8 decades of her like from the day she had her accident at the youthful age of 29. Adaline leads a solitary existence, always on the run for fear that someone will discover her secret and turn her into a lab experiment to find out why she doesn't age (which they nearly did). She never shares her secret with anyone other than her own daughter (Ellen Burstyn), who follows the normal process of aging and comes to look as if she could be Adaline's grandmother. An encounter with a very handsome, charming and determined philanthropist (Michiel Huisman) brings to the fore her lonliness, and her longing for love. When a weekend away with his family threatens to bring everything Adaline has ever kept secret to light, she makes a decision that will change her life forever.

Blake Lively as the ever immaculate Adaline Bowman

If you're thinking to yourself that this sounds like the synopsis of a trashy Nicholas Sparks film, you're right, it does. Sceptical that it could be any good based on the fact it sounds like a trashy Nicholas Sparks film? So was I, but although it shares some of the same qualities, it is actually not a bad film. One of the writers did help adapt a NS novel into a screenplay, which could explain some of the similarities. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good old fashined trashy Nicholas Sparks movie as much as the next girl, because they're trashy and ridiculous and the leading men are always dreamy. But I go in knowing they're going to be glorious in all their trashiness, and I don't go in thinking I'm going to watch the next masterpiece in cinema history. What I liked about THE AGE OF ADALINE is that aside from the fantastical plot, the emotions were a little bit more genuine, realistic and honest than they might have been if it was a Nicholas Sparks trashy romance.

Lee Toland Krieger is a fantastic director, I loved his last film CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER, so I was hoping he would be able to pull this fantastical, romance off, because there was a risk that it could be trashy and revolting. Guess what folks? He did it. It's a far cry from the tale of love in his last film, which was honest in its own way, but I think it's a nice step forward for Krieger and I hope to see a lot more from him in the future.

A dreamy voice-over gives is the premise of this film with a lovingly crafted extended montage telling the tale of Adaline's life and bringing us to the modern day. After eight decades of being 29, and bring on the run every decade, Adaline is tired. She may look a youthful 29, but she is old beyond her years and a life of running has taken its toll. The second act is where we get charge of emotion and added depth to this story, although really what are the chances that the man you've falled in love with happens to be the son of a man you loved some 50 years ago? Seems a bit unfair doesn't it, I mean of all the people!

Adaline and William reconnect after 50 years

Let's take a moment to talk about how brilliant Harrison Ford is in this film. I mean really...I don't recall the last time I saw him in something where he triggered such emotion. When his character William meets future Adaline you can see the rush of emotions flood through him - it is raw and he is vulnerable - and his performance draws something out of Lively that gives the film a new spark. You see in the trailer that William and Adaline reconnect, but the reason why they reconnect is a fresh little twist in this film.

Snaps to the casting crew on this film, Lively shows that she's got leading lady material in her and that she's not just some TV 'it' girl who married Ryan Reynolds, Michiel Huisman is divine (I don't watch Game of Thrones, but knowing he's in it makes me want to!), and a massive well done on finding Anthony Ingruber, who plays twenty-something William opposite Adaline. He is beautiful and a great match for the older Harrison Ford.

Anthony Ingruber as a young William

What would you do with eternal youth? You get all the wisdom that comes with age and unlimited time to do everything you ever wanted - have 57 careers, learn 16 languages, travel everywhere and remain everr youthful. Sounds nice in theory right? We all want more hours in the day, days in the week, more months in the year, but do we really? That's something that AGE OF ADALINE adresses quite nicely I thought. It would be quite a lonely life if you think about it. Your family has died long ago, your only daughter is growing old, you can't sustain a relationship with someone more than a few months or at most a year for fear that they will learn your secret, and then what's the point? Why bother to love, go through the heartbreak, cause someone else heartbreak? Put it in the too hard basket and get a dog I say, which is exactly what Adaline did. She put love in the too hard basket and has had a string of King Charles Cavaliers throughout her life to love and keep her company. Heads up if you're a sucker for animals, take tissues, you'll need them.

Adaline and her dog Reece

I won't spoil the ending because it will get you right in the feels, even my heatless friend LahLah said it got her in the feels. She's not really heartless, but unlike me, she's not a big emotional movie watcher. I will say that the acting was solid from all the cast, the direction and cinematography were well done and transcended many of the trappings and pitfalls of this fantasy genre. I was equally impressed with the costume design in this film, and I would think it's up there for at least a nomination during next years award season. 

THE AGE OF ADALINE is a lovely film, don't let the trailer turn you off because it's not what you think it's going to be. If you're not huge into the romance genre, don't bother spending the 20-something dollars to go and see it, but if you are I think it's definitely worth a look. 

3.5 out of 5 for THE AGE OF ADALINE

Adaline and the divine Ellis (Michiel Huisman)...mmmm...divine

xoxo

The Blonde Bombshell

INFINITELY POLAR BEAR - review

INFINITELY POLAR BEAR

Director: Maya Forbes

Cast: Mark Ruffalo, Zoe Saldana, Imogene Wolodarsky, Ashley Aufderheide

You had me at Mark Ruffalo, but throw in Zoe Saldana and an autobiographical tale of a family coping with a parent with a mental illness and I couldn't have been more excited. 

Cameron (Ruffalo) lives with the highs, the lows, the breakdowns and the virtual impossibility of maintaining a steady job that come with having bipolar disorder (manic-depression) in the 70's. Unfortunately so does the rest of his family. Cameron's wife Maggie (Saldana) decides that enough is enough after Cameron's latest breakdown, and she packs up their two daughters and moves them from the country to Boston, while Cameron moves into a halfway house to recover. 

Their daughters, Amelia (Wolodarsky) and Faith (Aufderheide) resent Maggie for moving them from the country to a run down, rent controlled apartment in the shitty school district in Boston. They also don't hide their disappointment when Maggie won't let Cameron move back in with them. The girls know there's something not quite right with their dad, but they idolise him none the less and for every bad memory there is good one that surpasses it.

Maggie struggles to make ends meet, and decides to go to business school to further her own education so that she can get a better paying job and put the girls into private school. That's not a problem right? Wrong. The business school that Maggie gets into is Columbia. So, Maggie moves to New York, leaving Cameron in Boston to look after the two girls on his own, full time, Monday to Friday. 

Leave a man fresh from institutionalisation, who struggles with sustaining anything in life in charge of two young girls, sure, no worries. What could possibly go wrong? This is the question that the film deals with the most - how wise is it to leave this sort of person in charge of two children? The answer for most people would be that it's pretty bloody unwise and for the most part I would probably agree with them, as would most social workers and DHS officers. The one thing that Cameron does have going for him is his unwavering love for his family, and while he continually fails the many tests of parenting, the one thing that always brings him back from the edge is his girls. 

That is a lot of pressure for a child, but Amelia and Faith are up to the task. As embarrassing as their dad is, and for every ounce they hate their lot in life and their 'shit hole' of an apartment, they would do anything to keep their dad with them just as much as he would do anything to keep them with him. 

In this sense, the film isn't quite as affecting as I had anticipated it might be, as if we are viewing this family history through rose-coloured glasses. Which perhaps we are. Forbe's has written this autobiographical piece and is letting us into her family history, and as many of us do, when telling our own histories, has balanced the good with the bad, which we might not have found in a completely fictional script. There are some unanswered questions here too. Like, is it worth splitting your family up for 18 months so that you can send your children to a private school? Was Columbia the only school that Maggie could possibly have gotten in to? Where is Maggie's family in all this? 

You may be used to seeing Ruffalo and Saldana in big budget, hollywood blockbusters, but these two couldn't be a more perfect match for this beautifully crafted indie pic. Ruffalo did an outstanding job carrying out the characteristics of a man struggling between his illness and his love for his family. He was wild and charismatic, unpredictable and unassuming, but most of all realistic. Saldana played her character equally as well, bringing to the screen the very different sides of Maggie, the tormented woman who just can't take it anymore, the mother who wants the best for her children and will do anything to get it, and a woman who wants to be with her family, but can't. A truly ground performance of a woman who is so practical and grounded the polar opposite to her husband. As for Wolodarsky and Aufderheide, these two youngsters are worth keeping an eye out for in the future. They made me feel what they felt for the whole film, and I think that's pretty magical from two so young. 

By harnessing the good and bad memories, and entangling them with a cheerful score (put together b Theodore Shapiro), Forbes has turned this serious subject matter into a captivating and endearing film about a family whose love for one another outweighs all else. 

It is low budget, and indie, and the subject matter may turn some people off, but I think with such a great cast and some of the other great reviews coming out for it INFINITELY POLAR BEAR stands a chance with mainstream movie goers. I felt that it gave a fairly accurate representation of surviving in a peculiar family with peculiar circumstances and a parent with a mental illness (and let's face it, I would know). It was unpredictable, and sometimes uncomfortable, but the intricate details and the natural humour make it so easy to watch and to care about what happens to this little dysfunctional family. 

I say give it a chance, you will be surprised, and it's definitely worth the 20-something dollars to go and see it, and I'm all for supporting low key, independent productions, in this age of mass-produced, mass-marketed drivel. 

xoxo

The Blonde Bombshell

CINDERELLA - review

CINDERELLA
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Cast: Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden, Helena Bonham Carter

For those of you who know me, you know that I am one of the maddest Disney fanatics out there. I own everything on DVD (not including sequels, because ew) including some of the more obscure titles like MELODY TIMES and THE MAGIC TOASTER. So, I was ever so excited when I found out about the new live action CINDERELLA and I was hoping against all hope that it would be amazing and I was not disappointed.

It opened on Thursday, and I got up early on Friday (my only sleep in day for the week), popped over to the Sun Theatre in Yarraville to go and see the first session of the day because I could not wait until lunch time. My usual movie going partner was working on Friday, but that's ok because I love a solo movie date, and the quiet enjoyment of an almost empty cinema the first session of the day brings, with no popcorn crunchers, confectionary packet rustlers or annoying commentators. Anyway, enough about me...let me tell you about CINDERELLA.

Kenneth Branagh has done an incredible job with the telling of this classic fairy tale and while there were a few little twists in there that don't appear in the original Disney cartoon version, but they add a little something to the magic of the story. What I really liked about this version of Cinderella is that in today's world of cynics and non-believers, there is no weird ironic twist where the happily ever after doesn't happen. I still love a good happily ever after and I still believe that one day I'll get my own happily ever after, but there are a lot of people who don't think that their ever after will end happily, so I was mightily pleased that Ella's ever after does end happily.

Ella and Kit in their wedding attire

This re-imagining of the classic tale tells the story of Ella (Lily James), her courage and kindness as she suffers the loss of her parents and the trials and tribulations of living with her "evil" stepmother and stepsisters. What Branagh's version also does is look at the reasons why Ella's father remarried, why her stepmother (Cate Blanchett) was so "evil" (and I put this in inverted commas because I don't think she truly was evil, she was hardened by circumstance), and why the King wanted his son to marry so badly.

We watch three people die in this film (Ella's parents and the King) and we feel their loss acutely as it is shown and explored on screen. I'm not going to lie, I had more than a few tears, as all three deaths got me right in the feels. I don't recall the King ever dying in a depiction of Cinderella before, but it truly added to the story, by really explaining his motivations for pushing a marriage on Kit (aka Prince Charming played by Richard Madden - hello hottie).

This film is so incredibly beautiful to watch, that even if the script happened to be a little how's your father (which it wasn't) I wouldn't have minded. The set, countryside and costuming were absolutely incredible and I was captivated by the beauty and magic that was depicted through these things alone.

look at that - I mean really, it's beautiful - Ella and Kit meeting for the first time

There were a few wonderful throw backs to the animated Disney classic which made me giddy with excitement, like the sneaky little bobbity, bobbity boo from the Fairy Godmother (Helena Bonham Carter) in the transformation sequence, and the mice helping Ella prepare her gown for the ball.

The Fairy Godmother appears as a poor beggar woman looking for a bit to eat and a glass of milk and she puts it so beautifully when she says "what is a cup of milk? Nothing. But kindness makes it everything" and she is right. The simplest things that are nothing to most people can become everything when given or done out of kindness, something which Ella does not lack. The characterisation of Bonham Carter's Fairy Godmother provides for some lovely comedic relief in this film, but part of the script that I thought was a little so-so because it didn't quite seem to fit with the rest of the film. It was lovely and funny and well done, but it seemed to me a little out of place.

Bonham Carter as the Fairy Godmother

The Fairy Godmother narrates this tale, and ties it all together so nicely. There isn't a whole lot of narration through the film, but where it does appear it is well placed and adds to the telling of the tale. 

After the Ella and Kit meet for the first time the chemistry between them is palpable and they truly are captivated by one another. It didn't seem forced or fake, and that made me want all the more for them to get their happily ever after (even though of course I knew it was coming). Kit agrees to find a bride at the request of the King because he knows his father is dying and he loves his father terribly (it was nice to see him copping it right in the feels like a real man), but as a compromise he ensures that all the maidens of the land are invited in the hopes that he might find Ella again.   

The Stepmother aspires to marry one of her two pretty, but stupid daughters to the prince at the ball, and as in the classic tale prevents Ella from going to the ball by ruining her dress and riding off in the carriage without her. 

Stepmother and daughters at the ball

Ella's fairy godmother has other plans and transforms the pumpkin into the coach, the mice into horses, lizards into footmen and a goose into the coachman. Ella makes off for the ball, but not without the reminder that the magic will wear off at the last stroke of midnight. What I loved about the transformations is that each of the newly transformed animals carries a little something of their former animal self - the lizards have green hands, the goose has a very beak-like nose and the mice have mouse like ears as horses. 

Ella makes a magical entrance into the ball and everything just stops, as they all turn to see who it is that has captured the prince's attention. 

what a dress...what a carriage...gorgeous

The two spend a magical evening together (cue secret garden and giant swing bathed in moonlight),

look at them, they're so in love

and at the stroke of midnight Ella runs off leaving behind her glass slipper - the only clue the Kit has to try and find her. Another lovely throw back was the use of the original song A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes as they dance together at the ball. It took me a little minute to pick it, but I was all like "awww".  

don't worry they're more comfortable than they look!

The Stepmother finds out that Ella is the mystery girl, and strikes up an evil plan with the Grand Duke that she will hide Ella from the prince as long as she is given a title and advantageous marriages for her daughters, and she does her very best to keep her end of the bargain. The Grand Duke travels all the land trying the slipper on the foot of every maiden, all the while knowing exactly where Ella is. That of course all comes to a crashing end when they discover Ella and the glass slipper fits her foot and Kit whisks her away to be married. 

There is nothing unknown or really original about this film (it even includes Lucifer the cat), and that's ok with me. I am a traditional Disney girl and I like my Disney films just as they are, but the couple of little twists and little additions to the storyline only increased the magic for me. 

Overall, as a true Disney fan I really loved the live action CINDERELLA, and I would highly recommend paying the 20-something dollars to go see it. Provided of course that you, like me, enjoy a Disney film and you love a good happily ever after. Even if you don't love a good happily ever after, go and see it anyway, maybe it will restore your faith in happily ever afters, or maybe you will get a kick out of being a cynical, non-believer (I secretly am hoping it will give you a little bit more faith, nobody likes a hater). I loved it, and I'm going to go and see it a second time with two little princesses who I know will love it just as much as me!

4 out of 5 

xoxo

The Blonde Bombshell

BIG EYES - review

BIG EYES 
Director: Tim Burton
Cast: Amy Adams, Christoph Waltz, Krysten Ritter, Jason Schwartzman, Danny Huston, Terrance Stamp

If you don't know the story of the Keane saga and thebig eye paintings, then this review may contain some spoilers, but as always I try my best not to ruin it for you, so you can still see and enjoy the film should you choose to do so.

Tim Burton has taken on the story of Margaret and Walter Keane and the saga of the big eyed waifs, and I really thought this was going to be Burton returning to his best (think ED WOOD), but in my opinion it didn't quite make it to that level of greatness. That's not to say that the film wasn't good and that I didn't enjoy it, because it was, and I did, but it just didn't reach my very high expectations.

BIG EYES is based on the strange but very true story of artist Margaret Keane, who separated from her overbearing husband in Nashville and moved to San Francisco in the 50's to make a better life for her and her daughter. Now as you can imagine, up and leaving your husband in the 50's wasn't the done thing, but she did it and she took her art with her. 

After a whirlwind romance with "Sunday painter" Walter Keane and a threatening letter that she was an unfit mother, Margaret marries Walter and it all seems to be going swimmingly until after a bit of confusion, he starts and continues to takes credit for her artwork. The lie becomes bigger than either of them can manage, and life quickly spirals out of control.

the Keane's in the midst of their whirlwind romance

What Keane (Walter that is) lacked in artistic talent, he made up for in charisma, his ability to schmooze and get his name out there. Without his expert level publicity skills I wonder if the waifs would have ever made it in an art world more interested in modern art than kitschy, cutesy paintings. His need for continued success and his down right money grubbing whorishness turned Margaret into little more than a sweatshop worker who didn't get to enjoy any of the benefits of being a much loved painter. It turned the thing she loved most into something she could no longer stand. That to me is the greatest tragedy of this story.  

I'll be honest, there were some parts of the Keane tale that I didn't know, but I did have the general gist of it, so I was pleased that there were still some moments in the film where I was surprised by what was happening. I can appreciate that it is hard when you're telling a well known tale to keep it fresh and exciting for the viewer, but I did go in with high expectations, and I did come out a little disappointed that there wasn't more of the unknown details revealed in the film. 

Visually this film is incredible, the set, the colours, the art work, and I really enjoyed watching it. In fact by the end I was contemplating how much I would be willing to spend on my favourite big eyed waif. Coupled with a great soundtrack the film was emotionally moving and I think it covered as much of the story as anyone would need to see.

Walter and Margaret in the club where the Big Eyes were first showcased and sold

What BIG EYES doesn't do is cover off some of the issues it raises, such as the quite obvious issues of domestic abuse, and the way one would truly deal with their art being loved by the masses, but not really being considered art by the art world, Schwartzman's character puts it perfectly "oh god, it's a movement". What makes art, art? Is it that it's popular with the masses and loved by all, or is it what the art critics of the world think of you? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that art is very subjective, and I'm not sure that I believe that only one person or a group of elite persons should get to decide what's art and what isn't. 

This is Burton's first live action film in I don't know how long - I'm going to go with around a decade, I could look it up, but I can't be bothered at this late hour -  that doesn't feature Johnny Depp, and that was ok with me. I mean, I love Johnny Depp, but I was extremely excited by the casting when I first found out who would be starring in this film. However, by the end I was a little disappointed by the quality of the acting in some parts, given the amount of talent in the cast. Credit where credit is due, Amy Adams had some truly shining moments throughout the film, like the moment where she grapples with lying to her daughter for the first time ever. There were times though when I found her a little but meh, but I don't know quite know why. Whether it was the script, or just that I found her dramaticness (yes that's probably a made up word, but I'm using it anyway) a little bit put on I'm not sure. Something, sometimes just wasn't right. 

Christoph Waltz started off the film in a blaze of charming glory, but by the end I was a little sick of his hammed up performance of the Walter 'the sociopath' Keane. I get that he probably was a right prat, and that he was supposed to be outrageous and unstable, but I really did find it to be a little bit too much at times, and maybe that's because there wasn't enough of the development throughout the story of the underlying issues. But it escalated very quickly in the film without much explanation, so it seemed a little off maybe. 


There were some truly powerful moments between them, like when Margaret truly began to stand up to Walter and you could see his whole world began collapsing around him. Or when Margaret's daughter Jane let her mother know that she knew the truth and had known it for years. Those moments really made the film and I think they were done brilliantly, but they were moments and I would have liked to have seen the whole film be on that level the whole time. 

Even thought I have been picking little holes in it, I really did enjoy the film and I did feel incredibly satisfied when Margaret took control and got her art and her life back. Particularly when the judge on their trial said that the only way to determine the true artist was to have both Walter and Margaret paint a big eye in court. I had a moment of "sucked in Walter, this is what you get you bastard!" and that was really satisfying. 

I loved the telling of the rest of the story in the end credits, and I truly love that Margaret Keane was involved and I especially love that she still paints to this day. I think that's incredible and I hope I can still be doing the things I love at her age (although I don't know if my body will hold up to all the dancing I do, but I can only hope!).

Amy Adams and Margaret Keane - cute right!

Overall this is a beautifully shot film with a lovely soundtrack and for all the nitpicky holes I've made a very solid piece of cinema. Side note: Terrance Stamp (for all of the 10 minutes he features) was bloody brilliant, and Danny Huston as the journalist and narrator of the Keane's life was great as well. Also, check out the Lana Del Ray theme for BIG EYES - it was beautiful. 

I would recommend paying 20-something dollars to catch this at the cinema if you're wanting a nice film to see in the next week or so, just don't go in with as high expectations as I had. Like I said, I quite liked the film as I was watching it and I still like it now, but it didn't quite hit the mark and I think the root cause of my disappointment is the incredibly high expectations I had. I wanted it to be AMAZING and it didn't quite get to that level. 

3.5 out of 5 for BIG EYES

xoxo
The Blonde Bombshell

ZOMBEAVERS - review

ZOMBEAVERS
Director: Jordan Rubin
Cast: Rachel Melvin, Courtney Palm, Lexi Atkins, Hutch Dano, Jake Weary, Peter Gilroy

Ok Red Haired Amazona, challenge accepted. I will watch and review ZOMBEAVERS. This is not the kind of film that I would normally choose to watch under any circumstances. If I had the choice to jump off a bridge, or watch this kind of film, I would probably rather jump off a bridge.

Here's a brief synopsis: 

ZOMBEAVERS is a horror-comedy movie about a group of college kids staying at a lake side cabin that are attacked by a swarm of zombie beavers (aka zombeavers). 

Tongue is imbedded firmly in cheek throughout this film and it is full of terrible innuendo and rotten beaver themed jokes. It's not quite a spoof, but it is meant to be a horror-comedy, so this film has to be taken with a grain of salt. In my opinion it takes a sharp right to wrong town and just keeps going. 

This film opens up with two chaps driving in a ute full of chemicals, chatting shite, who smash into a deer because dude number two is looking at his phone and not the road (where did they even find a flip phone?!?!) The impact knocks loose a drum of chemicals and it falls off the back and into a river. And yes, just in case you're wondering, that was John Mayer folks.

This review is not going to be a well constructed, well written review (much the same as this film really), but instead a collection of thoughts I had whilst watching the film. I jotted them all down as we went along, and have documented them below as is.

The thoughts are full of spoilers, so if you have any intention of watching ZOMBEAVERS ever then STOP READING NOW!!!


65 thoughts I had while watching ZOMBEAVERS

1) 80's action movie music is really setting the scene for the quality of this film.

2) The strange beaver silhouettes in the foreground of this barrel floating down a river is amazingly terrible. Or maybe it's just terrible. I'm not sure.

3) Now there's a silhouette axe covered in dripping blood with the amazingly terribl 80's action movie music

4) The barrel is still floating down then river - longest opening credits ever. Or maybe they just seem long because I really don't want to be here.

5) There we go, the barrel crashes into a dam with the worst beaver animatronics or puppets or whatever the hell they are, that I have ever seen. When I say crash I mean nudge gently into the dam and somehow it punctures a hole in the barrel and bright green toxic something starts spurting out.

6) Cut to a pretty girl crying her eyes out in a dirty gas station bathroom, texting a boy of course...they're on a girls weekend because pretty girl number one's boyfriend cheated on her of course.

7) There should always been a warning when there's going to be dick pics. ALWAYS.

8) That kid should definitely not jump in the river after his fishing rod. Oh wait, it doesn't matter, something has snuck up behind him and yep, there it is, he's gone.

9) Why is pretty girl number two wearing the hugest pair of platforms at a cabin in the middle of nowhere?!

10) Sorority sisters forever of course!

11) Mrs Gregerson is the funniest person in the film thus far.

12) Someone or something is watching them from the reeds...worst cinematography ever.

13) Pretty girl number three is the biggest bitch ever - and a sooky fucking lah lah...just because there is no phone service and she can't get any more dick picks of course

14) Random hat floating past them - they are oblivious to the horrors that are about the befall them. Poor innocent sorority sisters.

15) Pretty girl number three is topless - she wants a tan without lines - worst excuse for gratuitous boobs ever

16) Toxic waste on the beaver dam...they assume it's piss - because of course beavers piss toxic looking green goop. That seems completely legit.

17) Of course there is a bear that is up on hind legs growling at them...and of course there is a creeper who fires a shot and then is generally just a creepy ass creeper...when the girls say they're looking for beavers he says, "well sure, isn't everyone?" Thank you creepy mc creeperson.

18) Spotlight handy cam running through the bushes and growling - I'm assuming this is of course the beavers running around.

19) Banging on the door - why would you open the door pretty girl number three...what's your problem? I mean seriously?

20) Pretty girl number one, don't just stand in the doorway saying "don't go out there"

21) Random beaver growling from the bushes and the handi cam

22) The girls boyfriends turn up - they're the ones pulling a nast prank and trying to scare the girls. Of course

23) The worst sex scenes I have ever seen or heard. "Oh man, I feel like a power ranger" - I'm sorry, excuse me?

24) Pretty girl number one's cheaty mc cheater boyfriend is also there and she gives him a good couple of slaps (less than he deserves) and a knee in the balls (that's getting there cheaty mc cheater face)

25) pretty girl number one goes to take a shower and banging about in the shower what else would be there except for a rabid zombie beaver of course.

26) pretty girl number one might be actually the worst actor I've ever come across - and a really ugly pretend cryer.

27) They all go back to the bathroom and the zombeaver is gone...except that it's not. Bashing it with a baseball bat? Really? Have you never seen a zombie movie?! The animatronics are the worst.

28) Of course you would suggest a safety orgy...that's the best kind of orgy.

29) Yep, that zombeaver you threw in a plastic garbage bag after you bashed a hole in it's stomach with a baseball bat is still alive...growling and writhing in that plastic trash bag...because it's a zombie. And of course, now it's not in the bag anymore because you've never seen a zombie movie in your life and you're a bunch of idiots.

that right there is a mutilated zombeaver that gets put in the afore mentioned trash bag

30) In the water is way safer than in the cabin...of course...because that logic makes complete sense.

31) Why is this clown (pretty girl number 3's boyfriend) still wearing a beanie? You're swimming in the lake douchecanoe, you don't need a beanie.

32) Of course pretty girl number two was the one that slept with pretty girl number ones boyfriend and turned him into a cheaty mc cheater face.

33) Of course pretty girls number three's boyfriend gets dragged under by a zombie beaver and he pulls out his foot which has been gnawed off by a zombeaver. Then he swims with his foot and it takes them about a thousand years to put a tourniquet on his leg.

oh hi zombeaver chewing up through the wooden pontoon

34) Of course the beavers took out the phone lines. How clever of them to have only gone for the phone and nothing else. Sorry pretty girl number one, you're at home on your own with a beaver headed straight for your beaver (how's that for terribly punny cinematography). And you've been scratched...you're totes going to turn into a zombeaver human. I wonder how long it will take?

35) The beavers chase them and surround the house of course.

36) How is the footless guy still even alive?

37) Why are they everywhere? Why do their eyes glow? Why are the silly humans going outside?

38) Why are they only just deciding now that footless, beanie guy guy needs to go to the hospital?

39) Why did they all just not get in the car and drive away?

40) How did the neighbours dog just become a beaver? Those zombeavers are tricksy little bastards aren't they!

41) Clever beavers built a dam and blocked the road.

42) Clever beavers also chewed down a tree and squashed pretty girl number twos boyfriend and then laughed a creepy little zombeaver laugh because they're so clever.

43) Of course, Creepy McCreeperson the hunter comes to save the day, sort of...fucking beavers he says. Fucking beavers indeed.

44) How is footless, beanie dude even still alive? How has he not turned into a zombie yet? How is he still lucid?

45) Creepy McCreeperson the hunter is a good fucking shot. Too bad that doesn't kill the zombeavers.

46) That's a very dead neighbour

47) Pretty girl number one's ex cheaty asshole boyfriend needs another knee in the dick

48) CMcC hunter is eating the chicken from the dead neighbours fridge...he's got the right idea...food always helps

49) Of course there is a lesbian love scene...between pretty girl number one and pretty girl number two and of course pretty girl number one starts turning into a zombeaver human hybrid just as she's climbing on top of pretty girl number two

pretty girl number one has some nasty zombeaver teeth - ew

50) Then of course stupid beanie guy turns into a beaver and eats the hunters face off.

51) Now pretty girl number one has grown a beaver tail...wow...just wow.

52) Throwing yourself out a window seems like an excellent life choice right now pretty girl number three. Well done. I don't even think you got scratched, by the zombeaver neighbour, but you might be dead now you've jumped from an upstairs window.

53) making the dude you cheated on your boyfriend with get naked so you can check him for zombeaver bites and scratches seems like a pretty good life choice for you pretty girl number two.

54) they're playing whack-a-mole with beavers - credit where credit is due - that is brilliant.

55) Now there's a zombeaver on fire and the whole house is on fire. Of course.

56) pretty girl number one jumps through the floor and bites Cheaty Mc Cheater Face's dick off - I had just been saying he needed another knee in the dick. That'll work.

59) Somehow pretty girl number three is not dead after jumping out that window and she has not yet been attacked by zombeavers. So, of course, she bursts through the wall of the burning house in the truck and rescues pretty girl number two

60) Of course the bear is also a zombeaver or a zombeaver bear...because of course it is.

61) Well that was unexpected...I thought for sure pretty girl number two was going to shoot pretty girl number three - who as it turns out has not yet been bitten, but no, pretty girl number two turns into a zombeaver human...right before she can fire a shot into pretty girl number three...who then proceeds to chop her head off with an axe. Good choice pretty girl number three. Good choice

62) Of course those two dude are back with their ute - hi again John Mayer..." hey you see that girl" says dude number one, "yeah I see her" says guy number two as he's texting (again with the flip phone) and clearly doesn't see her. BAM! Sorry pretty girl number three, you survived all of that only to go the same way as the deer from the opening scene. Such a shame. That's what we call a cruel irony pretty girl number three.

63) The best part of this whole film is the blooper reel.

64) Of course the roll credit song is a swing style theme song about zombeavers. Also, I take it back, this is the best part of the whole film

65) Of course there's a bit after the credits, and of course it's a bee biting an infected zombeaver and taking the disease back to it's hive because who doesn't love a sequel. Zombeaver Bees. I can see it now.

Well, a little piece of me has died inside. To think money gets poured into projects like this while quality indie scripts are left to rot under someone's cup of coffee. Oh the injustice of it all. 

Challenge complete thanks Red Haired Amazona, I have watched and reviewed ZOMBEAVERS, now if you'll excuse me I'm just going to try and erase that 90 something minutes from my brain.

minus 5 out of 5 stars for this film. Do not, I repeat DO NOT waste 90 something minutes of your life on this film. Unless of course you truly thought SHARKNADO was a piece of classic cinema and then I guess this is right up your alley.

xoxo
The Blonde Bombshell